12th May – 6am
I have been in a black hole for several days now and I know is not the time to get out of it. Not yet anyway.
Uncharacteristically I resist the temptation to forge ahead no matter what and I pause to think what I should do. In front there is an abyss of uncertainty, behind I have a mountain whose slope I can’t climb so the only solution is to wait. Stuck in the hole I have plenty of time to ponder and prepare the next steps safe in the knowledge that this is just a phase, a Luna Negra phase, a time of creative suspension when new energy and directions emerge from the depths, if we allow it.
My instinct suggests that I should dedicate this time to enrich and cultivate myself and I decide to re-read some key texts. I choose The Blackwinged Night – Creativity in Nature and Mind by physicist F. David Peat. I do this reading every morning for a couple of hours, sitting up in bed, underlying sentences, transcribing others in my journal and pausing now and then to listen to the birds’ cheerful conversation. This routine takes care of the melancholy that visits me as soon as I wake up allowing it to evaporate naturally.
I get up then and go for a long walk during which the things I have read have time to settle in my body with the help of the walk’s steady rhythm. Often new directions or solutions come to the surface and I put them down on the little notebook I always carry; I get excited about new possibilities and potentials while thoughts start coming in fast, competing with each other creating a chaotic traffic jam. To get out of it I take a deep breath and turn my attention to the outside, the outdoors, to Nature and focus on her details: the bark of a tree, a new plant that was not there yesterday, the acrobatics of the ducks in the pond.
Back home I start the work proper but I don’t have much motivation and I slip back into a Zen-like state that catches me staring out at the window for longer that I would normally like. During a workshop I find myself loosing my temper and breaking into rants (fuelled by a larger then normal intake of espressos) to the amusement of my pupils who put up with me and kindly offer advice. I feel guilty for losing my cool but it feels great while it last!
22rd May – 8,15am
Things are shifting again. I am officially out of the black hole and I phone my husband in the office to warn him of that. He is glad. The light is back and this event is physically mirrored in the garden next door where an impressively harnessed, sure-footed guy (otherwise called tree-surgeon) is cutting down the enormous evergreen gigantic tree that has kept our garden in darkness for years. I take it as a sign that it is indeed time to emerge in the open and the sunlight that pours into my studio reassures me of that.
I am on the move again and I have great energy for the new projects, but somehow I miss the dark space of my cocoon!